Daily Archives: February 21, 2012
What Is Emotional Intelligence -Why It Is Important
What Is Emotional Intelligence - WHAT THE HECK DOES THIS MEAN?
UNDERSTANDING OUR OWN EMOTIONS
PUMU: Perceive, Understand, Manage, Use
I was the cliché: the angry young man.
When it came to understanding my emotions, I had a pretty immature idea of what my anger meant. In my childishness, I thought that fact I was angry automatically meant the world had to change.
Okay, maybe not the whole world, but whoever or whatever made me angry. What was I supposed to do? Express my anger, of course, in whatever way would force the “other side” to give me what I wanted.
I didn’t do anything criminal, but there was a lot of yelling, screaming, slamming doors, arguing, and, from time to time, things got a bit out of control. I remember one time literally smashing up a door inside the house. Later, I had to pay for it. I said a lot of things that, once said, can never be taken back. Sure, the other person might forgive me, but will they ever believe “I didn’t really mean it”? Probably not. They might say they do, but they will always have just cause to wonder.
I did get my way sometimes. Not very often, to tell the truth, but sometimes. I didn’t really have anything that worked better, so the temper kept flaring.
That continued until I was 18. Things changed after that. I guess you could say that not long after becoming an adult, I actually started to grow up!
WHAT IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE - UNDERSTANDING OUR OWN EMOTIONS
Every one had one of those night when your body is exhausted but your brain won’t stop? I have those, too. Some people have an endless stream of them filled with worry, fury, hopelessness, overwhelm, or any number of feelings.
The problem with these feelings keeping you up is that it is often an endless loop. You feel. Your imagination runs away with you. You keep rehashing all the things that might go wrong and how bad it can be. You keep going over and over all the things you wish you could do to the “other guy.” It leaps you “looping” – and once that starts, it can go on night after night after night.
Even with the Language of Emotions, you will still find yourself awake some nights. The difference is that you will be sorting through all the information you need, what you still need to find out, and formulating action plans. Rather than just be stuck in an endless emotional loop, you’ll be up half the night planning how to deal with whatever is going on.
Let’s take me for example. When I’d have an endless angry night, like most of us (I think!), I would stay up all night imagining all the things I could do the other guy. In the dark of the night, you think of all sorts of things that you could go to prison for if you actually did it! (Or maybe that’s just me…)
Instead, imagine going into the night of fury with a clear understanding that Anger means that one of my rules has been broken. So, rather than just be angry, I can think about my rule. What is the rule the other guy broke? Is it a good rule?
Do I need to change the rule? Sometimes I do. If so, there is a system for doing that. I teach one of them in Language of Emotions 101a. The one that’s there is simple enough that anyone who really, honestly does it can do it on their own. There are other techniques, some of which require a coach, but the Six Step Rule Change is a fundamental technique.
What if the rule is a good rule? Then the next step is to figure out how I can get the rule followed. The step here is almost always found in effective communication. Then you have to strategize how to do that.
A big question is whether or not the other person truly understands what they are doing. If you have a good rule, does the other person understand that rule? Has it really be explained? Do they agree with the rule? Sometimes people break rules they disagree with. Sometimes they have a point (we should find out), and sometimes they don’t (but if we give them a chance to express themselves, we can at least talk about it).
Sometimes you need a carrot, a stick, or both. In that case, you work it out. What incentive might help gain compliance? Is it reasonable? In a workplace, it might be a raise, a bonus, a perk, or even just recognition.
What penalty might motivate someone? Is that reasonable? Sticking with a workplace example, it can go all the way up to firing someone. At a lesser level, it could be cutting hours, demoting someone, keeping them off jobs or scaling back projects. It could include a precursor to firing them: some kind of reprimand or suspension.
Sure, I might have started off Angry, but because I Understand, it gives me somewhere much more productive to go with it than to just spend a night fuming about it.
WHAT IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE- PUMU: Perceive, Understand, Manage, Use
You’ve probably notices that Perceive and Understand are deeply related. So are Understand and Manage, as you can see. You can also see that by doing genius level of Perceive and Understand, Manage is beginning to take care of itself! If we just follow through, then we are doing Use.