EQ TEST – HIS CONTROLLED FURY COULD HURT HIMSELF
When Failing the EQ Test Can Cost Everything
We all have had days when it just seemed things piled up against us. Rule after rule is broken. Things threaten our families survival, our business, even us. We’re left on the ragged edge and we just try to hang on. Even the best of us can contemplate that if we were dead, at least all this would end. It’s not really thinking about committing suicide, but we’re not too far from it.
That happened to Stan. He had just missed a big payday. He had done all the work he was contracted to do. He even did a good job at it. At the end of the second biggest project in the past two years, he was faced with a staggering revelation: his client had no money! There is a dispute of facts whether the client just ended up broke because of others, or if he was broke the whole time and running a scam – but it didn’t really matter. What did matter is that a whole quarter of income was suddenly not there.
That put his business in jeopardy. The impact rippled through other projects that payment on that contract was supposed to cover. That cost his family his home since he could not lose three months pay and cover rent. They had to move suddenly. Their new home would be an apartment barely big enough for all of them.
Things with his wife hadn’t been really good for a while. They were not in any immediate danger of divorce, but it had been nearly two years since he would have classified his marriage as “working.” One of his kids was going through a rebellious stage that was getting old, and two others were struggling academically.
As we can all easily imagine, the man was reeling.
LESSON ONE: GET IN SYNCH
When you deal with someone in an intense emotional state, the last thing Language of Emotions says we should do is argue with them about how they feel. Unfortunately, that’s what someone did.
Earnestly trying to help, a friend tried to assure him that there has to be an answer. He agreed.
Then the friend pressed further. The answer was probably something really easy.
The man reacted. Anger flared up. He bluntly said “If I’ve missed an easy answer for two years, I’d be seriously pissed off.”
As we found out, this man was educated, intelligent, read a lot, listened to books, attended seminars, and he had coaches and mentors. In the moment, all that information was lost, but in retrospect we can see why he would be so upset is something obvious and easy had been overlooked.
If I read two dozen books, attended uncounted seminars, had dozens of coaching sessions – and if in all of that something easy and obvious was overlooked – yeah, I’d be upset, too.
Rather than debate the man about his own life, it would have been better to empathize. When you empathize, you get in their corner. You may not agree with how they got there, but you get in there with them. You try to understand them for the sake of understanding them.
When you have high Emotional Intelligence, a natural genius, you’ll do it intuitively. The rest of us need some training to get this right! And even when we know, sometimes we need a reminder (at least until we’ve had enough practice to make it a habit!).
LESSON TWO: VALIDATE
Rather than drop the line that was obviously making the situation worse, he continued. He told a story of when he was struggling with his internet connection, and after hours of working on it, it ended up that a cable wasn’t plugged in all the way.
The man in turmoil reacted even more strongly. After two years of struggle, after countless hours of coaching calls, seminars, special training, and more, this guy was actually treating his problems as though it was as simple a thing as an unplugged cable? The reaction was extreme.
The mistake here was invalidating the man’s feelings. So not only was there a lack of empathy and argument, but then the whole of this man’s life disaster was declared equivalent to forgetting to plug a cable into a data port.
The man felt that clearly this guy had zero clue about the situation he has just spent the better part of an hour explaining. He felt that this guy was totally invalidating the magnitude of the problem, how hard he and many others had worked on it for years, and how large and complex the situation had got.
The man’s vocabulary turned violent. We presume he was using hyperbole to express the magnitude of his anger, but even so, once words get there, it’s time to make sure you’re not pressing any harder!
LESSON THREE: GUIDE OUT WITH QUESTIONS
As it worked out, this is about when I stepped in to the situation. Had I not been near, it is hard to imagine how bad it could have gotten. So far, things were still being spoken in relatively controlled tones. I could easily see that with this man being triggered so badly, it could escalate into something bad at any moment.
With some empathy, validation, and some key questions, the man was brought down quickly. His problems were not solved, but at least the immediate emotion was handled. He was calm enough to start thinking about his problems more objectively.
I know what just some of them are, and yes, he’s got a complicated mess. It’s going to take a step by step approach to fix things in chunks. There are some elements are in crisis, and other longer term issues. I certainly don’t blame him for being angry that someone would minimize the difficulty he and his family were facing.
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COACHING
After things were handled, I did get to spend a little time coaching the guy who was making things worse. I’d worked with him in the past, so he listened intently and quickly realized how he had fueled the fire rather than help the man get through to the other side.
In this case, there was a real-world, real-time, on-the-spot Emotional Intelligence Test, and the guy was failing. The result, had things kept getting worse, might have resulted in someone getting hurt. This is just one of many reasons it is so important to develop a high EQ!
Language of Emotions 101a and 101b establish a genius-level foundation for exceptional Emotional Intelligence.
Emotional IQ Test: GAME OVER: YOU LOSE – The Band Breaks Up
Emotional IQ Test - A Story of a Real World Emotional IQ Test Failed
This one is a story of a coaching client that failed. I know coaches aren’t supposed to talk about their failures, but here I am, and here it goes. There was a local band with hot prospects that asked for me to come alongside as a coach and mentor for the band. I had met with them a couple of times when they were just starting out to encourage them in their original music endeavor. As they reached a small measure of success, they recognized the need for something on a regular schedule – so I became mentor to the band. Things were going fairly well for a while. I coached them on some key skills to develop, helped them communicate more effectively, and I chaired a couple of hard meetings and helped them work through some difficult issues. They had come to the attention of a big-name band. They were being considered as an opener. The leader of the band was developing a personal relationship with the famous, successful band, and everything appeared poised for a whole new level of success.
Emotional IQ Test - FRICTION
Emotions are a funny thing. They are there to help us and protect us. Sometimes they help us do the wrong thing, and they “protect us” from the very thing we want. I admit that I didn’t adequately coach the band of Emotional Intelligence. In retrospect, what I should have done was insist that getting and listening to some of my programs was a prerequisite to me working with them. If they had listened to my programs, it would have allowed me to work with them much more effectively. I did teach them a critical lesson: Friction. To start up as a brand new band, they all had to be willing to start at the ground floor. To work on their first CD release, they had to invest of themselves with no promise of reward. When they first started getting gigs, they had to be willing to perform for free just to get out there. It takes a certainly willingness to stay at a “we haven’t gotten anywhere” level to do all that. Now with great success possible, I warned them about friction. Their emotions had adapted to being starving musicians. That was comfortable for them. They could face that day in and day out and work from there. Success would be uncomfortable at first.
Emotional IQ Test - DISCOMFORT
The emotion of Discomfort means you’re facing something with a risk of harm of some kind. When they were on the bottom clawing their way up, there really wasn’t anything to lose. It was all an upward climb and there was no place to fall to. With the prospect of sudden fame meandering near, suddenly there WAS something to lose. That was a whole different thing than they were used to. The Self-Protection Reaction to Discomfort is “create space.” That means you reflexively try to put some distance between you and the thing you’re afraid might result in harm. I this case, they should be prepared for their emotions to undermine what they were trying to do – and make their choices accordingly. Now maybe if they had listened to my Emotional Genius Program and I was more of full time consultant, I might have been able to help them more. As it was, they ran off and did things without talking to me. I got wind of it after the fact. Some of the band members suddenly started taking longer to get their part of the music done. That was one manifestation of the emotional drive to “create space” from the fear of falling if they got to the top. The leader of the band got impatient, so he gathered some other musicians to put some music together, which was another manifestation – since his bandmates would not like it. They would feel like he was replacing them to go for big success without them.
Emotional IQ Test - BROKEN BAND: GAME OVER
Well, as you can imagine, things erupted. With layer upon layer of poor Emotional Intelligence, they failed the real-life test given to them. By the time I was called, people were Angry, Hurt, and Frustrated. Apologies were made, but some of the words exchanged were very serious. People were furious, others were in tears. I did what I could, but it was too late. They had done very, very serious damage to their relationships. By the time we had the meeting they asked me to help with, they had all been fuming for a while. Spouses and friends had gotten involved in the “army building” the fueled sides and resulted in some digging in. There can be extra volatility with groups of artists, and there certainly was here. I had taught them the basics of what they needed to know, but I should have had them listen to Language of Emotions and Pure Power before we got that far. It was more than I was contracted to do, but in retrospect, I should have worked to persuade them to do that. I didn’t sell them on more than they asked for, and as a result I failed to give them what they needed. I talk about the importance of already having the Emotional Intelligence you need before you actually need it. This was one of those cases when they needed more than I had taught them. Actually, they would have done well just to heed my warning about Friction. They didn’t. Had life thrown this problem at them a few months later I would have had them ready – but life is like that: Life is full of pop quizzes. We never know when life will throw a pop quiz at us, but when it does, we want to be ready! Some of the members of that band are launching another project. For their new band, they have new wisdom, new skill, and at least one of them is consulting with me early and often. This time, if such a huge opportunity comes along, this time the band will be ready!
Emotional Intelligence Training – Getting Professional Help
Emotional Intelligence Training – Importance of Professional Help For
Suicidal Person
SHE WAS READY TO KILL HERSELF…
How Very High Emotional Intelligence Can Talk Down a Suicide
PUMU: Perceive, Understand, Manage, Use
IMPORTANT: If someone is suicidal, get professional help whenever you can. Sometimes it falls to you, right here, right now. Many of us have felt suicidal even if we never concretely think about taking our lives. That also means we are likely to have a family member or a friend feel this way, and like it or not, we might end up being the person they are talking to when they feel like killing themselves. When that moment comes, we want to be ready. I’ve had to talk someone down from suicide many times over my decades as a pastoral counselor, coach and mentor. This is what I do. As a matter of professional responsibility, I must say that this is not intended to train you to be doing this. Rather, I am sharing what I do so that, perhaps, it might help you if this happens to you.
NOTE: This will be a long article. The subject was too important to break it into parts. I decided to make it one long article so this resource is available to those who might need it. Feel free to share it, especially with anyone who might have a need for an effective technique to deal with suicidal people.
Alison’s husband called me on the phone. He was panicking and wanted his pastor’s help. According to him, his wife was suicidal, and he didn’t know who to call. I asked him to put her on the phone.
The first thing I did was find out how she felt. She did admit she was feeling suicidal, but she hadn’t taken any action on it. That was the first order of business: make sure she was not in immediate danger of doing it. If the feeling continued, she could do it, but she was not standing on a ledge or holding a fistful of pills or anything like that. There are other concrete actions I need to take if that is the case.
She really was feeling like taking her own life, though. That’s pretty intense.
WHY I NEVER DO NORMAL
“Normal” in this case is to try to tell someone that things aren’t that bad. “Normal” is to try to tell them to think of the people who love them. “Normal” is to tell them that they have lots to live for, that they don’t want to do this, and that killing themselves will solve nothing.
Here’s why I don’t do that. First off, they know how bad things feel, and stacking “you’re an idiot if you think things are as bad as you think they are” I don’t see as helping them. They know how isolated they feel, and they might have just had a horrific experience with someone who was supposed to love them (and may very well love them, but be dealing with their own stuff). As for whether it will solve anything, if what they are really after in the moment is for the pain to stop, it actually might solve that problem very well.
If I argue with them and lose, I’ve made matters worse. They know more about their lives than I do. If I argue with them about their own lives and lose, it might cost a life. It’s not safe to argue with someone about what’s going on in his life. If they feel I am attacking their perception of reality, they are likely to dig in their heels and really push their point. Emotional people sometimes do this is dramatic ways, and, in this case, a dramatic way might be to kill themselves.
Emotional Intelligence Training - ANOTHER DANGEROUS THEORY
Some people believe “If you really meant to kill yourself, you’d have done it.” They might even say it. A lot of times, they’re right. The attempted suicide is more a cry for help, a scream to matter to someone. A “go ahead and do it” attitude MIGHT bring someone back from the brink, realizing this really isn’t what they want to do. It might also toss them over the edge.
A woman stood on a bridge. Negotiators and counselors has been talking to her for hours to no avail. They had her stable in the sense that it wasn’t getting worse, but they had not been able to talk her off the bridge yet. People stuck in traffic were getting annoyed. Some of them started to scream at her to get it over with. They wanted her to get off the bridge or jump. She wasn’t ready to get off the bridge, so she jumped.
The dangerous theory “If you really meant to kill yourself, you’d have done it” might work sometimes, but it fails sometimes, too. When it fails, there’s no coming back from that.
Training Help - CREATING CONNECTION
Emotional Intelligence Training - The first thing I do is create connection.
I ASK them how they feel, and then I ask them WHY they feel that way. I let them tell their story. My first goal is to let them know they have a voice, and that someone is listening. I let them work through their story as much as they are willing tell me until it seems that they are done telling their story or they are looping back over the story a second time. If they do that, I interrupt them.
I tell them that I agree with them. “That” is terrible. “That” would be incredibly painful. I admit that if “that” happened to me, I’d be desperate hurt (or angry, or frustrated, or overwhelmed), too. Even just the use of the word “that” is to start to externalize it. I want them to see it as something that could happen to me, too, and I agree that HOW THEY FEEL makes perfect sense.
Usually, I will even say something like “If I felt the way you’re feeling right now, I’d probably want to kill myself, too.” I admit if you diagram that sentence, you realize that what I’m actually agreeing with is that if I felt like killing myself, I’d feel like killing myself. Honestly, that is what I mean. The actual events that have lead them here might not be bad enough to get me to that feeling, but if I did get to that feeling, well… that’s how I’d feel!
The basic strategy here is to join them. Let them know that how they feel is reasonable under the circumstance. I let them know that they are not alone, that they are not crazy, and I help them look at it in terms of maybe it happening to someone else – me – which helps them feel that their situation might not be unique in all the universe.
More Training Help - ASKING SOLUTION QUESTIONS
When they seem to be listening (and people almost always listen when you’re agreeing with them), I ask them a question. I usually goes something like this: “I wonder if anyone else has ever gone through something like this. If this happened to me, I wonder if there would be any answers out there. What do you think? Do you think anyone else might have gone through something like this before?”
If I’ve already gotten them to think about the possibility that it could happen to me, or some version of it could happen to me – they will almost always agree. Very few events are SO unique that no one has ever been through anything even remotely like it before.
“I wonder what they might have done to get through it?” is my next question. “Do you have any idea?” Maybe they do. Maybe not. If they do, then you’re already on to the next step. If not, then you keep going. The goal is to get THEM to think of solutions. If they think of it themselves, they will not argue with it. That’s why that’s the goal.
If you need to continue, then you go to something like, “I wonder how we’d find out…” (“Notice the “we” like it’s her and me vs. the problem.) They might not know, and they might say so. Then muse aloud “I wonder where we’d even start with something like that?” (If you think they might really be stuck, feed POSSIBILITIES, not answers! “I wonder if you could look that up online, or if there’s a book on it or something. What do you think?”)
The goal is to get THEM to start THINKING. When you’ve engaged your logical mind, it helps separate you from the raw emotion of how you were feeling. A focus on solutions or possibilities breaks someone out from the “I need to end it all now” feeling to “maybe there’s another way” feeling.
All I need to achieve is for them to start to THINK that there is another way, or at least that it might be worth looking in to. When I can tell that they are still feeling that killing themselves now would still end their pain, I will even acknowledge that. I will suggest that if we were going to do a couple of possible solutions – look into some options or kill ourselves (yes, I use the “we” form), what order should we do it in? We can always kill ourselves later, but if we do it now, we can’t check out any other options. I ASK THEM which one makes the most sense for US. (Sometimes they laugh, which always a good sign.)
Emotional Intelligence Training - INITIATE RESEARCH OR SOLUTIONS
Once you have them beginning to think that there ARE options, start brainstorming with them. NEVER tell them what to do, ASK. Even if they ask you, just tell them a few things that pop into your mind, and ASK them if they think those sound like a LOGICAL place to start. You always want to keep their logical thinking actively engaged.
Once I have them thinking about how to solve the problem, they are not only far away from immediate suicide, but they are looking forward to a future of fixing what’s wrong, getting past, learning more, maybe even growing beyond this.
If I can get them there, then I help them look at that more closely. “I think (there’s that “think” word again) that it will feel great (I avoid “feel” language until I am confident I can get a positive feeling response) to find the other side of this. What do you think?” When they can “see” a time in the future with a good feeling, you’re pretty much done.
Emotional Intelligence Training - FOLLOW UP
If someone was suicidal, I recommend further counseling. If you end up in the middle of a situation with a suicidal friend (or parishoner, in my case), you want to have them follow up. You might have gotten them away from the moment, but the whole situation of their life might still be close – and another trigger could put them right back here.
End with whatever is appropriate for the relationship. I normally pray with my parishioners or anyone else I know is a Christian. I usually hug them. I always affirm their value, and I ask them to get back to me with whatever answers they come up with. That’s me based upon my relationships. You do what’s appropriate to yours.
Emotional Intelligence Training
==>Take my easy emotional intelligence test to see how you rate!<==
Emotional Intelligence Training
HOW DO I GET AN EMOTIONAL PERSON TO DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE?
Emotional Intelligence Training - PUMU: Perceive, Understand, Manage, Use
Hunter has recently married Aspen. They lived with Aspen’s grandmother, helping around the home, keeping grandma company, and getting the place fixed up for her. Their “rent” amounted to replacing the roof, the windows, the carpets, installing new ceiling fans, light fixtures, and whatnot.
Then one day, Hunter and Aspen had more work to do than the hours would allow. They were going to split up. Aspen was going with a mutual friend, and Hunter was heading to the office. Grandma didn’t know the friend, so she said that she didn’t want Aspen to go. The friend saw that a scene could start at any time, so he willingly headed off on his own to do a two-person task alone – despite how much more difficult that would be.
Grandma was pretty adamant. Fear was a dominating emotion in her life, and she acted on it. Hunter talked to her, and, not surprisingly, grandma defended her action. She was only worried about Aspen’s safety. Hunter asked if she trusted Aspen’s adult judgment, and if she trusted his and Aspen’s judgment about her safety. After all, they knew the man.
Finally, grandma played her “trump card.” She said, “Well, I’ve been her grandmother a lot longer than you’ve been her husband.” He conceded that point, then he remarked that it would always be true no matter how long they were married. So long as she was alive, she would always have been the grandma longer.
He asked her if that was her rule: that she forever reserved the right to countermand their own adult decisions if she was afraid.
Grandma was a worrier, but she was wise, too. It only took her a moment to realize the ridiculousness of what she was doing. She changed her rule right then and there, and from that moment forward, she treated her granddaughter as an adult and respected her adult decisions.
Emotional Intelligence Training - PEOPLE FEEL WHAT THEY FEEL
Part of Hunter’s trick (not his real name) was that he did not argue with her feelings. He knew enough about the Language of Emotions to understand that Fear was “something’s coming; I’m not ready.” He started off establishing that what she thought might be coming was better evaluated by the people who actually knew what was happening. He presented in a very detached, factual way.
He elicited her rule: How she planned to deal with it. When people are afraid, they hide. In this case, grandma was afraid that if Aspen left with that man grandma didn’t know, that something bad might happen – so she hid her granddaughter by practically demanding she not go. A more proper response is to get ready, which, in this case, meant making sure Aspen was ready.
Hunter established that Aspen was, in fact, ready. She had her own adult judgment (grandma was having trouble seeing her granddaughter as an adult). AFTER he put all the pieces in place, THEN he elicited her rule. Yes, there was a vague implication that if a ridiculous enough rule was going to be imposed, he and Aspen might have to rethink the living arrangement, but nothing was said.
Emotional Intelligence Training - RESPECT HOW THEY FEEL
At no point did Hunter tell grandma she was being ridiculous. If he had, grandma would have argued. Rather, he let her see it on her own.
He respected her feelings and did not argue with them. He knew that her emotions were giving her information, but the emotions were lying. She helped her see the truth, and only after he was comfortable that she understood the information that would allow her to deal with her own emotion did he then return to it.
Then it was grandma that saw the ridiculousness of her own fear and how she had acted on it. Grandma decided to change. It was not demanded of her, but she was lead to it. She was not told what change to make. She was shown her own position after an alternative had already been set up.
Then when she sees it, it is a credit to her insight. When she decides to change, it is a credit to her wisdom. When she follows through, it is a credit to her integrity.
Emotional Intelligence Training - LET THEM CHANGE THEM
Most people want to force the change. Then they are met with resistance. When people resist, they dig in their heels and the change you want becomes more difficult. If you invalidate their feelings, they get defensive, or they withdraw from you.
It doesn’t work. People try it all the time. You might be able to get behavioral compliance while you’re watching, but inside they resent what you’re forcing on them. They will rebel at the first good opportunity.
Emotional Intelligence Training - THEY MAKE THEIR CHOICE. YOU MAKE YOUR CHOICE.
One of the hardest things of adult life is respecting the right of adults to make their own decisions. We want the right ourselves, but often we want to force other adults to do what we’re telling them – and we get angry when they do not subject their own sense of Self to us.
Respect the choice of adults – and then make your choice based upon their choice. Just because you respect their choice and their right to choose does not mean there are no consequences. It just means it’s their choice. You may have to make a hard choice as a result.
What if someone is intensely emotional? I’ll tackle that in the next article.
Take my easy emotional intelligence test to see how you rate!
Emotional Intelligence And Leadership
Emotional Intelligence and Training – Don’t Fight Angry
I FEEL HOW I FEEL. HOW DO I USE IT TO ACTUALLY HELP ME?
PUMU: Perceive, Understand, Manage, Use
I am a martial arts master. I can tell you: It’s stupid to fight angry. It’s stupid, and people do it all the time!
We fight. We open our mouths and argue. We try to “solve problems” (which ends up just being another argument) angry. We get so focused on making our way happen, that we lose sight of the big picture, we lose sight of what damage is happening around us (and what damage we’re doing!).
Muhammad Ali was known for taunting his opponents to make them angry. His belittling taunts of Joe Frazier was still talked about in the news decades later. In old Japan, the great swordsman Musashi Miyamoto was also known for violating protocol to anger his opponents.
The vast majority of stupid things I’ve ever said to a woman were said in moments of anger. The majority of the worst mistakes I’ve made in my life were made in anger, in fear, in moments I felt hopeless, overwhelmed, frustrated, or felt some other intense emotion.
I feel these emotions, I make a lot of mistakes if I give them control, and, yet, they are there. How do I use the emotional intelligence and leadership
to HELP me?
Emotional Intelligence And Leadership – Be In Control
The Language of Emotions provides us the answer to that.
Emotional Intelligence And Leadership - EMOTIONS AS FUEL
Emotions, properly harnessed, can be used to drive us. Fear, harnessed, can make us more aware of our surrounding, help us pay close attention, and look at things more carefully before we take action. Anger can help drive us forward, keeping us moving, help us overcome fear.
To do that, we need to get it under control. We need to make choices and be in control. We need to find better ways to achieve the goals the emotions are there to help us achieve!
Emotional Intelligence And Leadership - EMOTIONS OF CHANGE
All negative emotions are Emotions of Change. They shout to us “Something Must Change!” When we know what to change, they help us. When we try to dodge that change, then bad things tend to happen – most commonly the negativity of many more painful emotions. Often, actual damage of some sort in our lives!
Let’s consider Fear for this example (since we’ve used Anger so often).
We’ve perceived Fear. We understand Fear: Something’s Coming, I’m Not Ready. We’ve managed our Fear with Instant State Change to dial it down so it goes from something that paralyzes us to something that keeps us sharp (dialing it down to just a 1 or 2 on a scale to 10).
Now it’s time to use it. Let’s assume we really know something’s coming, we’ve evaluated our skill, and it’s the sort of thing for which no one is ever 100% ready. All sorts of things fall into that category: any competition (against an opponent worth playing against), any performance, and pretty much anything else where probability or luck plays a role.
Fear is there to say “Get Ready!” The more intense the Fear, the more distance we perceive between “ready” and what we can already do. It gives us pause enough to take a look at what Ready looks like so we can be as ready as possible.
In those cases where we can’t be ready, Fear asks the question “Should you stand down?” This isn’t an emotional decision, but a considered decision. You may realize that you’re ready ready right now, and you can’t BE ready right now. There are many cases in which it is better to reschedule, let someone else step in, or get help rather than step into something you know you’re not ready to handle.
If you must go in anyway and you know you’re not ready, the next question is “What can I do to be as ready as possible?” Maybe if you know you have challenges public speaking, but the presentation is yours to give, you might want tighter notes. You might want to double check each piece of your project individually. You might want to do one last run-through of your presentation and double check the pronunciation of any words that be a stumbling block (and write phonetic notes on that). Whatever you can do to over-prepare to make certain you really are as ready as you know how to make yourself will help.
Then, when you do the presentation, be especially attentive to what you know you’re supposed to do. Just a little bit of Fear remaining tells you to keep your wits about you, keep your cool, and stay focused.
Emotional Intelligence And Leadership - THE REAL POWER OF THE LANGUAGE OF EMOTIONS
The real power of the Language of Emotions comes after the presentation. When Fear creeps up strongly enough to trigger a realization that we’re not ready, it is sometimes too late to become as ready as we might prefer. If we know there will be other presentations in the future, we know we need to start getting more ready earlier.
This is just one application from one Emotion of Change.
To gather more insight and a more complete set of techniques, get Language of Emotions 101a and 101b. In 24 hours of listening, you can be an Emotional Genius
Importance of Emotional Intelligence
IMPORTANCE OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE – WHAT DO I DO WHEN HIS EMOTIONS ARE SO OUT OF CONTROL?
PUMU: Perceive, Understand, Manage, Use
Tyrone was up on the church platform making announcements when they came in the back. One man walked straight down the aisle and stepped up on the platform next to Ty. With a loud, bold voice he announced that we needed to know what our church was doing.
Ty stood there looking at the man for a moment, not sure if this was a skit that he wasn’t told about. Then the pastor stood up and told him he couldn’t talk. Then the senior Elder stood up and started in, too. Then Tyrone told him he couldn’t be there.
The others who came in shouted, “Let him speak! Let him speak!”
A member who was a deputy sheriff stood up and started to talk to him. For a moment, it looked like the deputy was going to talk the man down. Things were settling, but the congregation was still wound tight.
One very large man in the congregation stormed down the aisle. Somewhere behind him I thought I heard his wife shout, “David, no!” He stepped up to the platform and the two men’s bodies bumped.
Suddenly violence erupted. With a blind, charging tackle, both men toppled off the platform into the front row. They nearly crushed a little girl but for the quick reflexes of a woman sitting next to her.
Then they landed right in front of me.
That’s when I took over. Less than two minutes later, I had the man and his friends outside the church building in a conversation with me.
Everyone was calming down.
I was able to get somewhere.
Then the church lawyer came out. He overheard part of the conversation and immediately jumped in to inform the guy that he was wrong, that his side was wrong, that the church was right…
And you could see the muscle tense like another fight was a split second from erupting again.
I literally stepped between the men and sent the lawyer inside to help there. I told him that I had the situation outside well in hand. The lawyer left, and I was able to finish calming everyone down.
Importance of Emotional Intelligence – WHAT ONE SIDE DID WRONG
When someone is angry, it means that someone has broken their rule. When this group stormed the church, took the platform, and the others shouted “Let him speak!” you can pretty well guess that the broken rule had something to do with not being heard.
When the church leaders stood up to tell him that he could not speak, that added to an already volatile situation. When the man from the congregation stepped up face to face with the man, literally in his face, to stop him from speaking, it was a physical presence shouting “shut up!” The man responded with physical force against the perceived threat of force.
The lawyer didn’t listen. He didn’t hear. He didn’t need to hear. He already knew that he was right and the man was wrong without hearing a word of explanation.
Broken Rule: I must be heard. Church/leader/member response: Not hear. Not hear. Threaten physically to not hear. Not hear. Tell them they’re wrong while not hearing.
Did that make the situation better or worse?
FIXING IT
This is how to manage someone in an emotional state. You apply the fundamentals of the Language of Emotions!
Anger: Broken Rule. Perceiving was easy enough in this case. Understanding what Anger means is clear. The words they said and their actions told you what you needed to know about their rule.
Solution? Let them be heard.
Importance of Emotional Intelligence -THEIR RULE, YOUR PARAMETERS
Their rule is their rule. There isn’t much you can do about what they rule is at the moment. How you follow it is up to you.
In this case, letting people storm the platform and have their say is bad precedent. Certainly with no idea what someone will say from any platform, you shouldn’t just let random people step up and say whatever they want.
However, rather than tell them that they cannot speak, tell them that you’d be happy to listen to them – outside, or in the office, or in the foyer. Rather than threaten them if they dare try to speak, give them a way to be heard and then ask them to accept it. Rather than tell them they’re wrong, listen to them to find out why they think they’re right. Maybe they have a point. Maybe not. In any event, THEY think they have a point – and you cannot deal with their point if you don’t listen long enough to know what it is.
That’s what I did, and everyone was calm in minutes. What was already bad turned violent, and then in two minutes I turned what had gotten violent into everyone being calm again.
It was easier dealing with the angry group than it was dealing with the church! The angry group’s problem was clear: They needed to be heard, so I listened. I asked questions. I let them have their say.
I agreed with them that if the church did what they think the church did, that would upset pretty much anyone. See how that gets us on the same side whether or not the church really did what they think it did?
The situation could have spilled over into something far worse than it was. By understanding the Language of Emotions and knowing how to manage someone in a highly charged state, a bad situation was stopped and everyone could go on with their day.
People Skills To Change How You Feel
People Skills – You Can’t Help How You Feel… Or Can You?
Using A Key Emotional Intelligence Skill to Change How You Feel
PUMU: Perceive, Understand, Manage, Use
“You can’t help how you feel.” We hear that all the time. We may even say it. Or can we?
The couple was fighting… loudly. I watched as they called each other names. I heard them generously using accusations of “always this” and “never that.” It was a pretty nasty fight.
Then the phone rang.
The fighting stopped instantly. The wife answered the phone. In a very pleasant tone she said “Hello!” It was a call she had been waiting for. She immediately took the call and her whole demeanor changed.
Almost as though whatever the phone call was about called an automatic time out on the argument, the husband headed off to another room.
What is amazing is not just the interruption in the argument – it’s the interruption in the Anger! Not only were they no longer yelling at one another, they both suddenly went from nearly out-of-control to totally in-control! He went from fury to a sort of calm fuming instantly. SHE went from rage to all smiles in an INSTANT!
It’s pretty amazing when you think about it. How does that happen? And how can we make it happen on purpose?
People Skills – The Power of Priority
One of the things that happens is a shift in priority. What happens in the mind is that just before the interruption, the top priority in the mind was the topic of the argument combining with a desire to win. So they fight. She tries to make him understand her, but he’s not listening any better than he must so he can fight back.
Meanwhile, he is trying to make her understand him, but, of course, she’s not listening either. It becomes a loop of verbal violence, each battling for the supremacy of the idea in their head and trying to impose that idea on the other person. That’s part of why arguing so seldom gets you anywhere on the issue, but it does do a lot to fuel the anger that keeps the argument going. If there is real headway, it almost always happens right after someone calms down enough to take a good look at what’s really going on.
When the phone rang, it was an urgent interruption. Her mind shifted from thinking about the point she was making and how her partner had broken her rules to the friend who called. Ringing phones are pretty deeply imbedded priority shifts. Sit while a phone rings and just let it ring, and the vast majority of people will feel compelled to have the phone answered. They will interrupt the most important of conversations to answer the phone, or at least stop the ringing, and most people will squirm when a phone is left unanswered and still ringing.
Once she realized who was on the phone, her attention shifted completely to the call. Then she reacted emotionally to the call. Sixty seconds into the call, her biochemistry catches up and her feelings have really changed.
People Skills – Focus
A priority shift changes our priority for us. We can do it ourselves by changing our focus. We can decide what we’ll pay attention to, and we can decide what our agenda will be. We can step away to calm down and come back with a clear-headed agenda – like actually solving the problem while protecting the relationship.
By focusing on solution within the larger big picture goal of protecting and even building the relationship, it turns a fight into a partnership. Rather than fight against someone to force compliance with a personal rule, it turns into a discussion to figure out how things might be changed so reasonable behavior reigns.
It’s “simple” in that there aren’t many pieces. Simple is not always easy.
There is an easy way, a way that is even more powerful. It’s rare that easier is also more powerful, but this is one of those cases. Those who already know the technique can attest to it’s power. I am certainly not the only who teaches this. I’ve had it taught to me by half a dozen teachers, and there are literally hundreds of experts who teach this technique on many different scales.
People Skills – Motion Equal Emotion
Control the body to control the emotions.
Remember the 60 second delay. If you maintain this technique fully for more than a minute, your biochemistry will actually change to match the emotion you’re creating. Eventually, you get so good at it that the chemical change can happen at the same time you make the shift. In rare cases, you may need longer than 60 seconds, and if that’s the case in the individual situation, just keep going and your biochemistry will catch up in moments.
To feel any emotion, your body shifts to express that emotion. We know that part already. What most of us don’t realize is that by expressing the emotion, we are both creating it and sustaining it. If we stop expressing it, stop letting ANY of it come through, we turn it down considerably. If you’re furious, your body will tighten up, you voice will raise or stress, you might clench your fist and teeth… whatever your pattern is you will do. When you do that, you are helping create the anger, and you are sustaining it.
If all you do is stop, all you will accomplish is reducing your emotion. You want to replace it with something.
Decide what you want to feel. How would you express that? Imagine a time you really did feel that emotion! How did you stand? How did you move and gesture? How did you talk? Think about tone of voice, volume, cadence, vocabulary and more. What did you do with your eyes? Did you smile? Did you look up or down? Did you tilt your head?
Do it all. Do it all 100%. The better you do it, the faster it works.
Figure out what level of emotion you are creating. On a scale of 0-10, are you at a 4? A 5? What do you need to do to bump it up to a 6? Add that. What about a 7? Add that, too. Then move up to an 8, a 9 and finally a 10! Ramp it up, and you will find your “real feelings” trailing just a little bit behind.
You won’t need to get far to feel the transformation – a REAL transformation of how you feel. The name of the skill is Instant State Change.
A DISCLAIMER AND A WARNING
When you learn Instant State Change, there seems to be a nearly universal temptation to use it all the time. By changing focus and physiology, you can greatly reduce and nearly eliminate many negative emotions. On one level, who would not want to live a happier, more excited life? It’s great to help break free from negative emotions to do what needs to be done right here, right now. It is great to give yourself a break from intense emotions.
The Language of Emotions tells us that negative emotions are Emotions of Change. That means that every negative, unpleasant emotion contains within it information that something needs to change, and provides very specific guidance on what needs to change. If we use Instant State Change to completely avoid the unpleasant feelings, we are also turning off the information feed that is providing important data that demands action. We avoid that action at our own peril!
So if you practice Instant State Change, you MUST go back and apply the lessons of the Language of Emotions to evaluate the necessary changes. If we don’t know to do that, or if we refuse to do that, the Emotion of Change will get louder and stronger so it can break through with its message!
Learn Instant State Change. It’s a powerful people skills that is well worth knowing. Then use it wisely. Remember the Language of Emotions so you can use Instant State Change and still go back to the message upon which you need to act!
Emotional Intelligence Tests – Understanding Other Peoples Emotions
Emotional Intelligence Tests – Why Is She Feeling That?
UNDERSTANDING OTHER PEOPLES EMOTIONS
PUMU: Perceive, Understand, Manage, Use
When I’m angry, at least I know exactly what happened that made me angry. Sometimes when someone else is angry, it’s harder to tell exactly what happened!
We talked about how you use questions to get to what someone is really feeling. Just saying “Talk to me. I’m listening.” gives you a good start. If they understand their own feelings, they might explain how they feel. If their feelings get all jumbled together (like most people), listening will give you a general idea, but not a lot more to be of much help.
Emotional Intelligence Tests – RELATIONSHIP RULES
In a romantic relationship, this might not be a big problem. When women share their feelings with the man in their lives, they often just want to be heard. If you sit and listen, they will often feel much better. All you need to do is stay and listen. Not only are you not expected to solve anything, you actually are expected to NOT solve anything!
When men share… (yes, men sometimes share their feelings!), they usually just want encouragement. They want the lady in their life to let them know that she believes in him (hopefully he is worthy of such faith – but that’s another lesson). When men clearly feel something and refuse to share, there is an implied “I can handle it” involved.
Understand takes on a different meaning when a man or a woman says “nothing” in a romantic relationship. If she’s clearly upset and, when asked what’s wrong, she says “nothing,” typically, she wants him to stay and talk until she’s ready to talk about “it.” With men, it’s the opposite. Normally, the man’s “nothing” translates to “nothing I can’t handle.” When a woman presses (like she might want him to do), he feels she’s saying “You can’t handle it! You’re too weak!” So he gets upset at her and demands that she drop it. She wonders why she was being loving and got rejected. Such is the drama of romance.
Emotional Intelligence Tests - UNDERSTAND
In romance, only some of the rules are different. If you know someone else is feeling something and you need to take action, you need to know what’s going on. If someone else already knows the Language of Emotions, they can use the vocabulary of trained Emotional Intelligence to explain. That would sure make it easy!
In you work in Customer Service, you may encounter clients who are angry. You need to understand that Anger means that they perceive that a rule of theirs has been broken. When they begin their complaint, they may tell you a lot about their rule: IF you’re paying attention!
If the complaint starts off with information like “This is SO disrespectful” then you have already learned two things: They have a rule that says they should be respected, and they have a definition of respect that whatever happened violated. In just one sentence, they are already giving you good information. When you get to Manage and Use, you will make use of that understanding to help fully resolve their problem.
Emotional Intelligence Tests - A KEY
At the Understand phase, never, ever argue with someone. As soon as you start to argue with them, you are no longer Understanding. Remember: Gather information first, THEN act on the information you gathered! If you argue with the information as it comes in, you get less information! You may never get to the REAL issue!
Suppose your company shipped a substandard product. The solution is simple to you: Return the product and we’ll give you a new one. As a company, you probably do that every day. After all, you understand that some small percentage of products will have defects, so if you get calls from one in a thousand customers, you may not be surprised. You just make it right!
Looking at it from the customer’s side, this was their only purchase of such a thing – and it didn’t work as promised. If they are angry, they had a rule about it, and the rule was broken. If they paid a price because the thing didn’t work, then they will be even more upset! Most people have a rule about not wanting to pay a price because someone else didn’t keep their promise!
So remember the simple key: Just Listen.
Emotional Intelligence Tests - Listen Actively
Listening actively just means you really, really listen – AND you ask questions to make sure you understand.
Remember: You’re on a mission. You want to Understand. Get all the information you need. Let the other person vent, and pay attention when they do. Sometimes there’s no telling how much information is contained in someone venting to a person with high Emotional Intelligence!
When you ask questions, make sure you’re clarifying what you heard. Ask questions based upon your understanding of the Language of Emotions. In a case like this, where the customer sees an defective product as disrespectful, you can use that information when it comes time to manage the situation.
Learn what they mean by what they say. They might go on about how important it is for your company products to work right the first time because people are buying it for big events (like a wide screen television just before the Superbowl!). People have saved up for it and have this fantasy about how they are going to use it, and then it all gets blown “because your company doesn’t have the decency to make sure the thing works before they ship it!” Then you know that to them, it’s a matter of decency, too! Respect. Decency. Make sure the products work. See all the information you’re gathering?
You know several rules, and you can see why they were so angry when they called. When you know some of their rules (you will never know them ALL) and you have a good understanding of WHY they feel what they feel, then you can solve the problem.
Here’s an important reminder: How you solve the practical problem might always be the same (replace the television). How you resolve the person’s anger will be tailor made to how they feel and why they feel that way.
It’s the difference between having a customer “not as upset,” and having a customer for life who feels you are the company they always want to do business with.
Take my easy emotional intelligence test to see how you rate!
What Is Emotional Intelligence -Why It Is Important
What Is Emotional Intelligence - WHAT THE HECK DOES THIS MEAN?
UNDERSTANDING OUR OWN EMOTIONS
PUMU: Perceive, Understand, Manage, Use
I was the cliché: the angry young man.
When it came to understanding my emotions, I had a pretty immature idea of what my anger meant. In my childishness, I thought that fact I was angry automatically meant the world had to change.
Okay, maybe not the whole world, but whoever or whatever made me angry. What was I supposed to do? Express my anger, of course, in whatever way would force the “other side” to give me what I wanted.
I didn’t do anything criminal, but there was a lot of yelling, screaming, slamming doors, arguing, and, from time to time, things got a bit out of control. I remember one time literally smashing up a door inside the house. Later, I had to pay for it. I said a lot of things that, once said, can never be taken back. Sure, the other person might forgive me, but will they ever believe “I didn’t really mean it”? Probably not. They might say they do, but they will always have just cause to wonder.
I did get my way sometimes. Not very often, to tell the truth, but sometimes. I didn’t really have anything that worked better, so the temper kept flaring.
That continued until I was 18. Things changed after that. I guess you could say that not long after becoming an adult, I actually started to grow up!
WHAT IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE - UNDERSTANDING OUR OWN EMOTIONS
Every one had one of those night when your body is exhausted but your brain won’t stop? I have those, too. Some people have an endless stream of them filled with worry, fury, hopelessness, overwhelm, or any number of feelings.
The problem with these feelings keeping you up is that it is often an endless loop. You feel. Your imagination runs away with you. You keep rehashing all the things that might go wrong and how bad it can be. You keep going over and over all the things you wish you could do to the “other guy.” It leaps you “looping” – and once that starts, it can go on night after night after night.
Even with the Language of Emotions, you will still find yourself awake some nights. The difference is that you will be sorting through all the information you need, what you still need to find out, and formulating action plans. Rather than just be stuck in an endless emotional loop, you’ll be up half the night planning how to deal with whatever is going on.
Let’s take me for example. When I’d have an endless angry night, like most of us (I think!), I would stay up all night imagining all the things I could do the other guy. In the dark of the night, you think of all sorts of things that you could go to prison for if you actually did it! (Or maybe that’s just me…)
Instead, imagine going into the night of fury with a clear understanding that Anger means that one of my rules has been broken. So, rather than just be angry, I can think about my rule. What is the rule the other guy broke? Is it a good rule?
Do I need to change the rule? Sometimes I do. If so, there is a system for doing that. I teach one of them in Language of Emotions 101a. The one that’s there is simple enough that anyone who really, honestly does it can do it on their own. There are other techniques, some of which require a coach, but the Six Step Rule Change is a fundamental technique.
What if the rule is a good rule? Then the next step is to figure out how I can get the rule followed. The step here is almost always found in effective communication. Then you have to strategize how to do that.
A big question is whether or not the other person truly understands what they are doing. If you have a good rule, does the other person understand that rule? Has it really be explained? Do they agree with the rule? Sometimes people break rules they disagree with. Sometimes they have a point (we should find out), and sometimes they don’t (but if we give them a chance to express themselves, we can at least talk about it).
Sometimes you need a carrot, a stick, or both. In that case, you work it out. What incentive might help gain compliance? Is it reasonable? In a workplace, it might be a raise, a bonus, a perk, or even just recognition.
What penalty might motivate someone? Is that reasonable? Sticking with a workplace example, it can go all the way up to firing someone. At a lesser level, it could be cutting hours, demoting someone, keeping them off jobs or scaling back projects. It could include a precursor to firing them: some kind of reprimand or suspension.
Sure, I might have started off Angry, but because I Understand, it gives me somewhere much more productive to go with it than to just spend a night fuming about it.
WHAT IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE- PUMU: Perceive, Understand, Manage, Use
You’ve probably notices that Perceive and Understand are deeply related. So are Understand and Manage, as you can see. You can also see that by doing genius level of Perceive and Understand, Manage is beginning to take care of itself! If we just follow through, then we are doing Use.
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE 2.0 – P.O.P.E
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE 2.0 - PUMU: Perceive, Understand,
Manage, Use
When I was young, I had very little grasp of my own emotions. You can imagine I wasn’t all that great at knowing what someone else was feeling! I could tell that when my girlfriend was crying, it was bad. I didn’t understand why she was crying, so when I’d try to do something about, sometimes I’d just make it worse. I wasn’t even sure what the crying meant!
Back then I just figured I’d done something that hurt her. I had no idea she might be crying because she was overwhelmed, or scared, or feeling helpless. I certainly didn’t know what questions to ask! The only thing I had going for me was the “guy reflex” to “fix” whatever it was. Trying to fix a woman’s emotions is almost always a mistake, but trying to fix it when you’re clueless? Disasters waiting to happen. I had a few of those disasters.
I was observant enough to realize that there were different kinds of crying times, but I had no idea how to decode the words, lack of words, body language, and whatnot. I knew I was looking at SOMETHING, but I had no idea what. I sure didn’t know what to ask! I had no idea how to connect, how to relate, or how to really listen. I just sort of sat there trying to make it all stop.
Pretty clueless, at least compared to now! I know there’s a chance there’s a few people who read this and think, “Ummm, that’s kinda where I am!”
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE 2.0 – Language of Emotions!
Emotional Intelligence 2.0 – P.O.P.E.
Perceiving Other People’s Emotions, or POPE, is a skill. One challenge is that if you don’t even know what you feel, how can you tell what someone else is feeling? Again, Understand from PUMU (Perceive, Understand, Manage, Use) comes to our rescue!
So long as someone expresses their emotions, most people can tell when someone is angry, hurt or really scared. It’s more difficult to spot more subdued emotions. It is challenging to distinguish between close cousin emotions.
Intuitive people can usually tell what someone is feeling. The problem is that intuition is very difficult to teach! How can you teach “Y’know… you just sorta… know!” Intuitive people don’t often understand some of the subtle things that go into their intuition. While most people with intuition may not understand how they do it, there are ways to tap into intuition-level insight and make these discoveries.
I admit there are some subtle tricks that are beyond an introductory course, and certainly far beyond a short article! The techniques and tricks are fairly easily taught in a live seminar where I can show you how it works and let you practice, but for a short article, we’ll stick to a few simple things I can easily teach here.
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE 2.0 - QUESTIONS ARE YOUR ANSWER
Obvious is obvious, so that’s your starting point. Most of us can already do that.
The next level requires some skill at Understand. Overwhelm, for instance, means there’s too much. Someone might be crying, so it might seem like you’re dealing with Hurt, which means some feels damage or loss. That’s when you blend Understand with Perceive to help you Perceive better.
Something as simple as “Talk to me. I’m listening.” can open you up to information that will help you know what someone is feeling. If they say “I don’t know how I’m supposed to get all this done” or “It just all too much!” tell you that Overwhelm is at least part of the picture.
Fear means “Something’s coming; I’m not ready.” If someone says “I don’t know what to do!” that could be fear (I’m not ready), or it could still be Overwhelm. Either of them would leave someone not feeling they know what to do. You would need more information.
With a statement like “I don’t know what to do” you’re probably dealing with Fear or Overwhelm, and the solution to each is different. So you need to ask more questions. Something like “What’s going on?” can help you find out.
If they tell you something specific, that tells you that it’s Fear. They know what’s coming, they don’t know what to do, so they feel Fear: Something’s Coming, I’m Not Ready. If they tell you “a lot of things,” or “too many things,” that means it’s Overwhelm.
THEN WHAT?
Here, we’re talking about Perceive. What you do next requires Understand (which we’ve talked a bit about here). We’ll build into that as we continue through this series.
Emotional Intelligence 2.0 opens the door to mastery in such a clear, systematic way that you can walk it out in less time than it takes to read about it! Sure, it takes a little while to learn and some practice to master, but it really does take the messiest part of human relationships and make it pretty straight forward!