Tag Archives: Developing Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence Training – Getting Professional Help
Emotional Intelligence Training – Importance of Professional Help For
Suicidal Person
SHE WAS READY TO KILL HERSELF…
How Very High Emotional Intelligence Can Talk Down a Suicide
PUMU: Perceive, Understand, Manage, Use
IMPORTANT: If someone is suicidal, get professional help whenever you can. Sometimes it falls to you, right here, right now. Many of us have felt suicidal even if we never concretely think about taking our lives. That also means we are likely to have a family member or a friend feel this way, and like it or not, we might end up being the person they are talking to when they feel like killing themselves. When that moment comes, we want to be ready. I’ve had to talk someone down from suicide many times over my decades as a pastoral counselor, coach and mentor. This is what I do. As a matter of professional responsibility, I must say that this is not intended to train you to be doing this. Rather, I am sharing what I do so that, perhaps, it might help you if this happens to you.
NOTE: This will be a long article. The subject was too important to break it into parts. I decided to make it one long article so this resource is available to those who might need it. Feel free to share it, especially with anyone who might have a need for an effective technique to deal with suicidal people.
Alison’s husband called me on the phone. He was panicking and wanted his pastor’s help. According to him, his wife was suicidal, and he didn’t know who to call. I asked him to put her on the phone.
The first thing I did was find out how she felt. She did admit she was feeling suicidal, but she hadn’t taken any action on it. That was the first order of business: make sure she was not in immediate danger of doing it. If the feeling continued, she could do it, but she was not standing on a ledge or holding a fistful of pills or anything like that. There are other concrete actions I need to take if that is the case.
She really was feeling like taking her own life, though. That’s pretty intense.
WHY I NEVER DO NORMAL
“Normal” in this case is to try to tell someone that things aren’t that bad. “Normal” is to try to tell them to think of the people who love them. “Normal” is to tell them that they have lots to live for, that they don’t want to do this, and that killing themselves will solve nothing.
Here’s why I don’t do that. First off, they know how bad things feel, and stacking “you’re an idiot if you think things are as bad as you think they are” I don’t see as helping them. They know how isolated they feel, and they might have just had a horrific experience with someone who was supposed to love them (and may very well love them, but be dealing with their own stuff). As for whether it will solve anything, if what they are really after in the moment is for the pain to stop, it actually might solve that problem very well.
If I argue with them and lose, I’ve made matters worse. They know more about their lives than I do. If I argue with them about their own lives and lose, it might cost a life. It’s not safe to argue with someone about what’s going on in his life. If they feel I am attacking their perception of reality, they are likely to dig in their heels and really push their point. Emotional people sometimes do this is dramatic ways, and, in this case, a dramatic way might be to kill themselves.
Emotional Intelligence Training - ANOTHER DANGEROUS THEORY
Some people believe “If you really meant to kill yourself, you’d have done it.” They might even say it. A lot of times, they’re right. The attempted suicide is more a cry for help, a scream to matter to someone. A “go ahead and do it” attitude MIGHT bring someone back from the brink, realizing this really isn’t what they want to do. It might also toss them over the edge.
A woman stood on a bridge. Negotiators and counselors has been talking to her for hours to no avail. They had her stable in the sense that it wasn’t getting worse, but they had not been able to talk her off the bridge yet. People stuck in traffic were getting annoyed. Some of them started to scream at her to get it over with. They wanted her to get off the bridge or jump. She wasn’t ready to get off the bridge, so she jumped.
The dangerous theory “If you really meant to kill yourself, you’d have done it” might work sometimes, but it fails sometimes, too. When it fails, there’s no coming back from that.
Training Help - CREATING CONNECTION
Emotional Intelligence Training - The first thing I do is create connection.
I ASK them how they feel, and then I ask them WHY they feel that way. I let them tell their story. My first goal is to let them know they have a voice, and that someone is listening. I let them work through their story as much as they are willing tell me until it seems that they are done telling their story or they are looping back over the story a second time. If they do that, I interrupt them.
I tell them that I agree with them. “That” is terrible. “That” would be incredibly painful. I admit that if “that” happened to me, I’d be desperate hurt (or angry, or frustrated, or overwhelmed), too. Even just the use of the word “that” is to start to externalize it. I want them to see it as something that could happen to me, too, and I agree that HOW THEY FEEL makes perfect sense.
Usually, I will even say something like “If I felt the way you’re feeling right now, I’d probably want to kill myself, too.” I admit if you diagram that sentence, you realize that what I’m actually agreeing with is that if I felt like killing myself, I’d feel like killing myself. Honestly, that is what I mean. The actual events that have lead them here might not be bad enough to get me to that feeling, but if I did get to that feeling, well… that’s how I’d feel!
The basic strategy here is to join them. Let them know that how they feel is reasonable under the circumstance. I let them know that they are not alone, that they are not crazy, and I help them look at it in terms of maybe it happening to someone else – me – which helps them feel that their situation might not be unique in all the universe.
More Training Help - ASKING SOLUTION QUESTIONS
When they seem to be listening (and people almost always listen when you’re agreeing with them), I ask them a question. I usually goes something like this: “I wonder if anyone else has ever gone through something like this. If this happened to me, I wonder if there would be any answers out there. What do you think? Do you think anyone else might have gone through something like this before?”
If I’ve already gotten them to think about the possibility that it could happen to me, or some version of it could happen to me – they will almost always agree. Very few events are SO unique that no one has ever been through anything even remotely like it before.
“I wonder what they might have done to get through it?” is my next question. “Do you have any idea?” Maybe they do. Maybe not. If they do, then you’re already on to the next step. If not, then you keep going. The goal is to get THEM to think of solutions. If they think of it themselves, they will not argue with it. That’s why that’s the goal.
If you need to continue, then you go to something like, “I wonder how we’d find out…” (“Notice the “we” like it’s her and me vs. the problem.) They might not know, and they might say so. Then muse aloud “I wonder where we’d even start with something like that?” (If you think they might really be stuck, feed POSSIBILITIES, not answers! “I wonder if you could look that up online, or if there’s a book on it or something. What do you think?”)
The goal is to get THEM to start THINKING. When you’ve engaged your logical mind, it helps separate you from the raw emotion of how you were feeling. A focus on solutions or possibilities breaks someone out from the “I need to end it all now” feeling to “maybe there’s another way” feeling.
All I need to achieve is for them to start to THINK that there is another way, or at least that it might be worth looking in to. When I can tell that they are still feeling that killing themselves now would still end their pain, I will even acknowledge that. I will suggest that if we were going to do a couple of possible solutions – look into some options or kill ourselves (yes, I use the “we” form), what order should we do it in? We can always kill ourselves later, but if we do it now, we can’t check out any other options. I ASK THEM which one makes the most sense for US. (Sometimes they laugh, which always a good sign.)
Emotional Intelligence Training - INITIATE RESEARCH OR SOLUTIONS
Once you have them beginning to think that there ARE options, start brainstorming with them. NEVER tell them what to do, ASK. Even if they ask you, just tell them a few things that pop into your mind, and ASK them if they think those sound like a LOGICAL place to start. You always want to keep their logical thinking actively engaged.
Once I have them thinking about how to solve the problem, they are not only far away from immediate suicide, but they are looking forward to a future of fixing what’s wrong, getting past, learning more, maybe even growing beyond this.
If I can get them there, then I help them look at that more closely. “I think (there’s that “think” word again) that it will feel great (I avoid “feel” language until I am confident I can get a positive feeling response) to find the other side of this. What do you think?” When they can “see” a time in the future with a good feeling, you’re pretty much done.
Emotional Intelligence Training - FOLLOW UP
If someone was suicidal, I recommend further counseling. If you end up in the middle of a situation with a suicidal friend (or parishoner, in my case), you want to have them follow up. You might have gotten them away from the moment, but the whole situation of their life might still be close – and another trigger could put them right back here.
End with whatever is appropriate for the relationship. I normally pray with my parishioners or anyone else I know is a Christian. I usually hug them. I always affirm their value, and I ask them to get back to me with whatever answers they come up with. That’s me based upon my relationships. You do what’s appropriate to yours.
Emotional Intelligence Training
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Emotional Intelligence Training
HOW DO I GET AN EMOTIONAL PERSON TO DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE?
Emotional Intelligence Training - PUMU: Perceive, Understand, Manage, Use
Hunter has recently married Aspen. They lived with Aspen’s grandmother, helping around the home, keeping grandma company, and getting the place fixed up for her. Their “rent” amounted to replacing the roof, the windows, the carpets, installing new ceiling fans, light fixtures, and whatnot.
Then one day, Hunter and Aspen had more work to do than the hours would allow. They were going to split up. Aspen was going with a mutual friend, and Hunter was heading to the office. Grandma didn’t know the friend, so she said that she didn’t want Aspen to go. The friend saw that a scene could start at any time, so he willingly headed off on his own to do a two-person task alone – despite how much more difficult that would be.
Grandma was pretty adamant. Fear was a dominating emotion in her life, and she acted on it. Hunter talked to her, and, not surprisingly, grandma defended her action. She was only worried about Aspen’s safety. Hunter asked if she trusted Aspen’s adult judgment, and if she trusted his and Aspen’s judgment about her safety. After all, they knew the man.
Finally, grandma played her “trump card.” She said, “Well, I’ve been her grandmother a lot longer than you’ve been her husband.” He conceded that point, then he remarked that it would always be true no matter how long they were married. So long as she was alive, she would always have been the grandma longer.
He asked her if that was her rule: that she forever reserved the right to countermand their own adult decisions if she was afraid.
Grandma was a worrier, but she was wise, too. It only took her a moment to realize the ridiculousness of what she was doing. She changed her rule right then and there, and from that moment forward, she treated her granddaughter as an adult and respected her adult decisions.
Emotional Intelligence Training - PEOPLE FEEL WHAT THEY FEEL
Part of Hunter’s trick (not his real name) was that he did not argue with her feelings. He knew enough about the Language of Emotions to understand that Fear was “something’s coming; I’m not ready.” He started off establishing that what she thought might be coming was better evaluated by the people who actually knew what was happening. He presented in a very detached, factual way.
He elicited her rule: How she planned to deal with it. When people are afraid, they hide. In this case, grandma was afraid that if Aspen left with that man grandma didn’t know, that something bad might happen – so she hid her granddaughter by practically demanding she not go. A more proper response is to get ready, which, in this case, meant making sure Aspen was ready.
Hunter established that Aspen was, in fact, ready. She had her own adult judgment (grandma was having trouble seeing her granddaughter as an adult). AFTER he put all the pieces in place, THEN he elicited her rule. Yes, there was a vague implication that if a ridiculous enough rule was going to be imposed, he and Aspen might have to rethink the living arrangement, but nothing was said.
Emotional Intelligence Training - RESPECT HOW THEY FEEL
At no point did Hunter tell grandma she was being ridiculous. If he had, grandma would have argued. Rather, he let her see it on her own.
He respected her feelings and did not argue with them. He knew that her emotions were giving her information, but the emotions were lying. She helped her see the truth, and only after he was comfortable that she understood the information that would allow her to deal with her own emotion did he then return to it.
Then it was grandma that saw the ridiculousness of her own fear and how she had acted on it. Grandma decided to change. It was not demanded of her, but she was lead to it. She was not told what change to make. She was shown her own position after an alternative had already been set up.
Then when she sees it, it is a credit to her insight. When she decides to change, it is a credit to her wisdom. When she follows through, it is a credit to her integrity.
Emotional Intelligence Training - LET THEM CHANGE THEM
Most people want to force the change. Then they are met with resistance. When people resist, they dig in their heels and the change you want becomes more difficult. If you invalidate their feelings, they get defensive, or they withdraw from you.
It doesn’t work. People try it all the time. You might be able to get behavioral compliance while you’re watching, but inside they resent what you’re forcing on them. They will rebel at the first good opportunity.
Emotional Intelligence Training - THEY MAKE THEIR CHOICE. YOU MAKE YOUR CHOICE.
One of the hardest things of adult life is respecting the right of adults to make their own decisions. We want the right ourselves, but often we want to force other adults to do what we’re telling them – and we get angry when they do not subject their own sense of Self to us.
Respect the choice of adults – and then make your choice based upon their choice. Just because you respect their choice and their right to choose does not mean there are no consequences. It just means it’s their choice. You may have to make a hard choice as a result.
What if someone is intensely emotional? I’ll tackle that in the next article.
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People Skills To Change How You Feel
People Skills – You Can’t Help How You Feel… Or Can You?
Using A Key Emotional Intelligence Skill to Change How You Feel
PUMU: Perceive, Understand, Manage, Use
“You can’t help how you feel.” We hear that all the time. We may even say it. Or can we?
The couple was fighting… loudly. I watched as they called each other names. I heard them generously using accusations of “always this” and “never that.” It was a pretty nasty fight.
Then the phone rang.
The fighting stopped instantly. The wife answered the phone. In a very pleasant tone she said “Hello!” It was a call she had been waiting for. She immediately took the call and her whole demeanor changed.
Almost as though whatever the phone call was about called an automatic time out on the argument, the husband headed off to another room.
What is amazing is not just the interruption in the argument – it’s the interruption in the Anger! Not only were they no longer yelling at one another, they both suddenly went from nearly out-of-control to totally in-control! He went from fury to a sort of calm fuming instantly. SHE went from rage to all smiles in an INSTANT!
It’s pretty amazing when you think about it. How does that happen? And how can we make it happen on purpose?
People Skills – The Power of Priority
One of the things that happens is a shift in priority. What happens in the mind is that just before the interruption, the top priority in the mind was the topic of the argument combining with a desire to win. So they fight. She tries to make him understand her, but he’s not listening any better than he must so he can fight back.
Meanwhile, he is trying to make her understand him, but, of course, she’s not listening either. It becomes a loop of verbal violence, each battling for the supremacy of the idea in their head and trying to impose that idea on the other person. That’s part of why arguing so seldom gets you anywhere on the issue, but it does do a lot to fuel the anger that keeps the argument going. If there is real headway, it almost always happens right after someone calms down enough to take a good look at what’s really going on.
When the phone rang, it was an urgent interruption. Her mind shifted from thinking about the point she was making and how her partner had broken her rules to the friend who called. Ringing phones are pretty deeply imbedded priority shifts. Sit while a phone rings and just let it ring, and the vast majority of people will feel compelled to have the phone answered. They will interrupt the most important of conversations to answer the phone, or at least stop the ringing, and most people will squirm when a phone is left unanswered and still ringing.
Once she realized who was on the phone, her attention shifted completely to the call. Then she reacted emotionally to the call. Sixty seconds into the call, her biochemistry catches up and her feelings have really changed.
People Skills – Focus
A priority shift changes our priority for us. We can do it ourselves by changing our focus. We can decide what we’ll pay attention to, and we can decide what our agenda will be. We can step away to calm down and come back with a clear-headed agenda – like actually solving the problem while protecting the relationship.
By focusing on solution within the larger big picture goal of protecting and even building the relationship, it turns a fight into a partnership. Rather than fight against someone to force compliance with a personal rule, it turns into a discussion to figure out how things might be changed so reasonable behavior reigns.
It’s “simple” in that there aren’t many pieces. Simple is not always easy.
There is an easy way, a way that is even more powerful. It’s rare that easier is also more powerful, but this is one of those cases. Those who already know the technique can attest to it’s power. I am certainly not the only who teaches this. I’ve had it taught to me by half a dozen teachers, and there are literally hundreds of experts who teach this technique on many different scales.
People Skills – Motion Equal Emotion
Control the body to control the emotions.
Remember the 60 second delay. If you maintain this technique fully for more than a minute, your biochemistry will actually change to match the emotion you’re creating. Eventually, you get so good at it that the chemical change can happen at the same time you make the shift. In rare cases, you may need longer than 60 seconds, and if that’s the case in the individual situation, just keep going and your biochemistry will catch up in moments.
To feel any emotion, your body shifts to express that emotion. We know that part already. What most of us don’t realize is that by expressing the emotion, we are both creating it and sustaining it. If we stop expressing it, stop letting ANY of it come through, we turn it down considerably. If you’re furious, your body will tighten up, you voice will raise or stress, you might clench your fist and teeth… whatever your pattern is you will do. When you do that, you are helping create the anger, and you are sustaining it.
If all you do is stop, all you will accomplish is reducing your emotion. You want to replace it with something.
Decide what you want to feel. How would you express that? Imagine a time you really did feel that emotion! How did you stand? How did you move and gesture? How did you talk? Think about tone of voice, volume, cadence, vocabulary and more. What did you do with your eyes? Did you smile? Did you look up or down? Did you tilt your head?
Do it all. Do it all 100%. The better you do it, the faster it works.
Figure out what level of emotion you are creating. On a scale of 0-10, are you at a 4? A 5? What do you need to do to bump it up to a 6? Add that. What about a 7? Add that, too. Then move up to an 8, a 9 and finally a 10! Ramp it up, and you will find your “real feelings” trailing just a little bit behind.
You won’t need to get far to feel the transformation – a REAL transformation of how you feel. The name of the skill is Instant State Change.
A DISCLAIMER AND A WARNING
When you learn Instant State Change, there seems to be a nearly universal temptation to use it all the time. By changing focus and physiology, you can greatly reduce and nearly eliminate many negative emotions. On one level, who would not want to live a happier, more excited life? It’s great to help break free from negative emotions to do what needs to be done right here, right now. It is great to give yourself a break from intense emotions.
The Language of Emotions tells us that negative emotions are Emotions of Change. That means that every negative, unpleasant emotion contains within it information that something needs to change, and provides very specific guidance on what needs to change. If we use Instant State Change to completely avoid the unpleasant feelings, we are also turning off the information feed that is providing important data that demands action. We avoid that action at our own peril!
So if you practice Instant State Change, you MUST go back and apply the lessons of the Language of Emotions to evaluate the necessary changes. If we don’t know to do that, or if we refuse to do that, the Emotion of Change will get louder and stronger so it can break through with its message!
Learn Instant State Change. It’s a powerful people skills that is well worth knowing. Then use it wisely. Remember the Language of Emotions so you can use Instant State Change and still go back to the message upon which you need to act!
Emotional Intelligence Tests – Understanding Other Peoples Emotions
Emotional Intelligence Tests – Why Is She Feeling That?
UNDERSTANDING OTHER PEOPLES EMOTIONS
PUMU: Perceive, Understand, Manage, Use
When I’m angry, at least I know exactly what happened that made me angry. Sometimes when someone else is angry, it’s harder to tell exactly what happened!
We talked about how you use questions to get to what someone is really feeling. Just saying “Talk to me. I’m listening.” gives you a good start. If they understand their own feelings, they might explain how they feel. If their feelings get all jumbled together (like most people), listening will give you a general idea, but not a lot more to be of much help.
Emotional Intelligence Tests – RELATIONSHIP RULES
In a romantic relationship, this might not be a big problem. When women share their feelings with the man in their lives, they often just want to be heard. If you sit and listen, they will often feel much better. All you need to do is stay and listen. Not only are you not expected to solve anything, you actually are expected to NOT solve anything!
When men share… (yes, men sometimes share their feelings!), they usually just want encouragement. They want the lady in their life to let them know that she believes in him (hopefully he is worthy of such faith – but that’s another lesson). When men clearly feel something and refuse to share, there is an implied “I can handle it” involved.
Understand takes on a different meaning when a man or a woman says “nothing” in a romantic relationship. If she’s clearly upset and, when asked what’s wrong, she says “nothing,” typically, she wants him to stay and talk until she’s ready to talk about “it.” With men, it’s the opposite. Normally, the man’s “nothing” translates to “nothing I can’t handle.” When a woman presses (like she might want him to do), he feels she’s saying “You can’t handle it! You’re too weak!” So he gets upset at her and demands that she drop it. She wonders why she was being loving and got rejected. Such is the drama of romance.
Emotional Intelligence Tests - UNDERSTAND
In romance, only some of the rules are different. If you know someone else is feeling something and you need to take action, you need to know what’s going on. If someone else already knows the Language of Emotions, they can use the vocabulary of trained Emotional Intelligence to explain. That would sure make it easy!
In you work in Customer Service, you may encounter clients who are angry. You need to understand that Anger means that they perceive that a rule of theirs has been broken. When they begin their complaint, they may tell you a lot about their rule: IF you’re paying attention!
If the complaint starts off with information like “This is SO disrespectful” then you have already learned two things: They have a rule that says they should be respected, and they have a definition of respect that whatever happened violated. In just one sentence, they are already giving you good information. When you get to Manage and Use, you will make use of that understanding to help fully resolve their problem.
Emotional Intelligence Tests - A KEY
At the Understand phase, never, ever argue with someone. As soon as you start to argue with them, you are no longer Understanding. Remember: Gather information first, THEN act on the information you gathered! If you argue with the information as it comes in, you get less information! You may never get to the REAL issue!
Suppose your company shipped a substandard product. The solution is simple to you: Return the product and we’ll give you a new one. As a company, you probably do that every day. After all, you understand that some small percentage of products will have defects, so if you get calls from one in a thousand customers, you may not be surprised. You just make it right!
Looking at it from the customer’s side, this was their only purchase of such a thing – and it didn’t work as promised. If they are angry, they had a rule about it, and the rule was broken. If they paid a price because the thing didn’t work, then they will be even more upset! Most people have a rule about not wanting to pay a price because someone else didn’t keep their promise!
So remember the simple key: Just Listen.
Emotional Intelligence Tests - Listen Actively
Listening actively just means you really, really listen – AND you ask questions to make sure you understand.
Remember: You’re on a mission. You want to Understand. Get all the information you need. Let the other person vent, and pay attention when they do. Sometimes there’s no telling how much information is contained in someone venting to a person with high Emotional Intelligence!
When you ask questions, make sure you’re clarifying what you heard. Ask questions based upon your understanding of the Language of Emotions. In a case like this, where the customer sees an defective product as disrespectful, you can use that information when it comes time to manage the situation.
Learn what they mean by what they say. They might go on about how important it is for your company products to work right the first time because people are buying it for big events (like a wide screen television just before the Superbowl!). People have saved up for it and have this fantasy about how they are going to use it, and then it all gets blown “because your company doesn’t have the decency to make sure the thing works before they ship it!” Then you know that to them, it’s a matter of decency, too! Respect. Decency. Make sure the products work. See all the information you’re gathering?
You know several rules, and you can see why they were so angry when they called. When you know some of their rules (you will never know them ALL) and you have a good understanding of WHY they feel what they feel, then you can solve the problem.
Here’s an important reminder: How you solve the practical problem might always be the same (replace the television). How you resolve the person’s anger will be tailor made to how they feel and why they feel that way.
It’s the difference between having a customer “not as upset,” and having a customer for life who feels you are the company they always want to do business with.
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Emotional Intelligence Course
A Good Emotional Intelligence Course is VITAL to Good Decision Making
HONESTLY, WE MAKE MOST OF OUR DECISIONS EMOTIONALLY AND JUSTIFY THEM LOGICALLY
Emotional Intelligence Course: Emotion and logic
Every good salesperson knows that people make most of their decisions emotionally, and they justify them logically. If we have high emotional intelligence, that’s okay. If we have low emotional intelligence, that’s a problem.
The logic side is more obvious to people. If someone has to justify something logically – and their logic is tortured – we notice. We would notice if someone said, “We have to invest $1,000 in this new gadget because it will save us almost $1 a month! It will pay for itself in just 80 years!”
But logic is seldom so tortured. Someone might justify the new thousand dollar gadget by saying it’s “The latest green technology” or “It will save energy” or “protect the environment.” By leaving the dollars and cents out of it, you can leave the sense out of it, too.
You see, almost everyone makes decisions based on emotion. We want to be the coolest. We want the best. We want to feel the smartest. We want to have something that makes us feel a certain way about ourselves.
Emotional Intelligence Course: Logic To Back Up Our Emotion
SOMETIMES logic will actually step in to trump our desires. We want something, but we take a look at it and decide it doesn’t really make any sense. SOMETIMES we can kick our Mind into high gear and trump our Emotions. Sometimes.
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COURSE SIMPLE SOLUTION: GIVE LOGIC A CHANCE
Resisting persuasion against our own long term best interests is a real-world test of Emotional Intelligence. If we realize someone is pushing our buttons, we can respond better. The “simple solution” is to step beyond Emotion to Logic. This is something we can do without developing our Emotional Intelligence.
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COURSE: Observing SOP Before Making Any Decision
The easiest way to do this is to make is a Standard Operating Procedure (SOP) to NEVER make even a moderate sized decision on the spot. ALWAYS give it a day. This way you can get some emotional distance from the choice and look at it with a clear head later. (Provided you can clear your head later! Sometimes you just want something so much you just keep on wanting it even with some distance!)
This 24 hour break is to give logic a chance. It may not kick in every single time, but it will certainly kick in far, far more often than if you don’t even give it a chance!
For bigger decisions (you decide what is “big” to you), make your SOP to ALWAYS run the decision by someone else you trust. Maybe it will be a partner, or a parent, or a friend. Maybe you’ll have several people, each for a different type of decision, or, perhaps, for different perspectives on a problem.
For instance, say you know you are being “sold” a new car. You might make it a policy that you never, ever buy a new car without talking to three friends. Maybe your father will give you a very practical, nuts and bolts analysis with cost of ownership considerations, so you talk to him. Maybe your friend will give you a perspective based upon your lifestyle needs and what things you need (and don’t need) in a car for the way you live your life. Maybe another friend knows a lot about cars and what’s on the market, and this friend can give you a good sense of value.
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COURSE: Taking Time To Think
Almost no matter how much Emotional Intelligence you have, for decisions like these, taking time to really think about it always a good idea.
Some decisions require faster thinking. Sometimes you can’t take a full day’s break to think, or there isn’t any additional information to gather. Sometimes you want something so badly, or want something to be true so badly, that it clouds your logic. Even with thinking time, very little real logic gets done.
Maybe YOU have never done that (been illogical even with time to think), but we ALL know SOMEONE who can’t seem to break past Emotion to Logic no matter how much time they have!
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE COURSE:BEST PRACTICE
Emotional Genius is the Best Practice for dealing with Emotional Decision Making.
Just as IQ and information helps us make better logical choices, EQ (Emotional Intelligence) helps us make better emotional decisions.
When we know what we’re feeling and we know why we’re feeling it, we easily slip in behind the “pitch” and see what’s really going on. When our feelings are all wrapped up in a choice, we can stay clear headed if the feelings all make sense to us. If we know what we’re really feeling and what it really means, we can make choices and take actions based on solid information – not just impulse!
LINK THIS: http://scotconway.com/ScotConway.com/videosales.html The Conway Emotional Genius Course (Language of Emotions 101a and 101b) is a solid introduction to emotions. By understanding the Language of Emotions we learn what our emotions mean. We learn why our first impulse is there to protect us in the short term and almost always MUST be countermanded for the long term. We learn concrete action plans for how we feel.
Bring those skills that you have learn from an emotional intelligence course into decision-making and you have Genius-level Emotional Decision Making. You will find that your instant Emotional Decisions begin to match your Logical Decisions that used to take you time! The key is Emotional Intelligence!
Emotional Intelligence Training
Walking Out the Positive Part of Emotional Intelligence training to Make
My Life Extraordinary
FROM A 2D, SMALL SCREEN BLACK AND WHITE LIFE TO A HIGH DEFINITION, IMMERSIVE 3D, LIFE IN VIVID FULL COLOR
Emotional intelligence training benefits #1: You will learn to handle your anger
I’m not sure how many men experienced what I did. When I finally got a handle on anger, I was able to eliminate it from my life. It wasn’t perfect, but compared to what I felt beforehand, I’d say I had gotten rid of about 90% of my anger.
But the the world was pretty flat. I had realized that not only was my DOMINANT emotion Anger, it was pretty much my ONLY emotion! Not literally, of course, but if you were to rate my emotional range on a scale of 0-10, my anger used to run as high as an 8 or 9, but nothing else got past a 2 or 3! Suddenly the world was like a two dimensional, small, blurry black and white television screen.
Emotional intelligence training benefits #2: You’ll transform your life from blurry screened to high definition
I know I might be dating myself. I actually had a small, blurry screened, black and white television when I was young. For those of you too young to remember them, you’ve probably seen blurry black and white videos online. We used to call that “television.” That was what my life was like before I decide to attend emotional intelligence training.
Emotional Intelligence Training for a Much Brighter Kind of Life
LIFE is an immersive, holographic, high definition, surround sound, giant screen adventure – and I was missing it. I got to go places. I got to see things. I got to do things. But I was still missing it.
You see, it’s Emotions that connect us to the world around us. It is what gives life color, spice, flavor, resonance, the full spectrum equalizer… the VIVIDNESS of REALLY living!
Emotional intelligence training benefits #3: You will learn to find your REAL emotions
That required some work from me. I’ve already told you about getting behind the Anger to find out the REAL emotions of change I was feeling. I started to change what needed changing so I could GROW. I used to just react, and react poorly, and that can get things pretty messed up!
The other side of my adventure was amplifying the good! I was already mastering the troubleshooting side of life… while still missing the good stuff! So that was my next adventure.
Emotional intelligence training benefits #4: You will learn to pay attention to the good stuff
I started out by making a simple change: REALLY pay attention to the good stuff! Get into it!
For that, I learned a technique called Heightened Association.
I was a bit detached from the good things, sort of an observer rather than a participant. My positive experiences were muted because I was disconnected from them. I don’t know how common an experience that is for people, but it was how I was living.
Emotional intelligence training benefits #5: You will learn all about Heightened Association
Heightened Association begins by really immersing yourself in what’s going on. I stepped in to what was happening around me and started to notice things I would not normally see. I paid attention to the meaning of events and started to really enjoy life more! In one major shift, I realized how many amazing things I’d been missing in life.
Emotional Intelligence Training To Help You Focus on Good Things
I learned to focus my attention on the good things. I learned to think the thoughts that would keep me focused. I started asking myself better questions that would guide me to focus even better. “What is good about this?” “What else is good about this?” “What good can I take out of this?” Considering how little training I had at the time, I was doing pretty well.
More than that was necessary for me, though. In the years since, Heightened Associations seems to be plenty for most people. I was a bit more messed up than that!
Instant State Change skills completed my skill set. The short version of this skill is that you learn to fully and completely express. This is another case where I have Tony Robbins to thank. At a live seminar I learned how to ramp up my expression of emotion. I learned how to create excitement in myself, how to be enthusiastic, how to be really happy.
Funny thing is that after I learned it from him, I realized I sort of knew it already! You see, in martial arts, we learn to move with confidence and strength. Like in boot camp, we learn to stand at attention. We learn to combine loud, strong, powerful shouts with loud, strong, powerful movements. Maybe that’s why I learned Tony’s lesson so quickly. I already had a reference for it!
Since the emotional intelligence training, I’ve gotten to live my life in full color. More than “just full color,” I’ve gotten to live life in immersive, holographic, high definition, vivid full color!
NOTE: I’m giving a strong promotion to Kevin Cole of Empowerment Quest International (www.empowermentquest.com), and his lessons have helped me continue to expand my toolbox. I got to share my Language of Emotions material with him a few years ago, and that kicked off a powerful relationship of mutual teaching. I highly recommend Kevin Cole both for private coaching and for his live training. In one 16 day course, I probably doubled my toolbox of specific techniques to help people in one-on-one coaching and counseling. Tell him I said hello! Full Disclosure: I get no fee for promoting him! I just REALLY liked his training. I have the utmost respect for the man!
Application of Emotional Intelligence
My Personal Application of Emotional Intelligence to Really Start Living
Life!
Application of Emotional Intelligence : NOTHING BUT ANGER TO BEING A WHOLE HUMAN BEING
Tony Robbins (http://www.anthonyrobbins.com/) was the first one to teach me that the experience of a person’s life was the emotions you felt in it. If you are a wealthy, successful person in the world’s eyes, but your dominant emotions are anger and guilt, then your life is anger and guilt. If you are poor, scraping your way in the world, and you’re happy most of the time, then you’re life is happiness!
Application of emotional intelligence rule #1: Live with Passion
One of Tony’s persistent sayings is “Life with Passion!” I used to, but the only “passion” I felt was anger. I was either flat, or I was angry. When my temper finally gave way in 1983, I was left flat. Based upon Tony’s lesson, it didn’t matter what I did, what I accomplished, or how well I succeeded at anything, my life was flat.
Application of emotional intelligence rule #2: Avoid living a Flat Life
A flat life really isn’t much of a life at all. Neither is an angry, bitter life. Who wants to live that way?
Not me.
I didn’t know what to do, though. Do I start to let myself cry? Be the sensitive man? Do I admit when I’m scared? (Without using code words like “stressed” or “concerned.”) How does someone go from an angry life to a full life? How does someone go from a flat, two-dimensional, dull black-and-white life to an immersive, 3-D, vividly full color life?
Application of emotional intelligence rule #3: Live a Full and Two Dimensional Life
One of the things it took was realizing I had to expand my emotional range. But for me, Mr. Logical (remember, I used to be nicknamed Mr. Spock as in the Star Trek Vulcan), I needed a logical path to a deeply emotional life. Sounds paradoxical, doesn’t it? How does one use LOGIC to achieve EMOTION?
Application of Emotional Intelligence: Emotion is a Matter of Focus
Application of emotional intelligence rule #4: Have focus
Once gain, Tony Robbins got me started. He taught that emotion was largely a matter of your focus and your physiology. So I tried that. I learned to use my will and my logic to focus on the aspects of my life that I thought would logically generate the emotions I desired. It worked – at least compared to what I had been feeling before. I tried using posture and movement and words to create the emotions I desired. That worked for me, too.
I am immensely grateful to Tony Robbins for starting me down this path. I had attended his live events, including Mastery University (where I also met and began my learning relationship with several other leaders). I listened to over a dozen different programs, and I read his books. It was a good start! I credit Tony Robbins with helping me break free of that flat, logical, and otherwise meaningless life I had been living.
Application of emotional intelligence rule #5: If things worked, then keep going
Then I just kept going! As I started to see how things worked, I used my own mastery of martial arts principles to grasp what was going on at a different level. I was able to systemize it so I could better understand what I was doing and how to do it.
Application of emotional intelligence rule #6: Recognize your true emotions
Suddenly I could take apart emotions and see what they really meant. That let me start to feel a whole range of emotions. Instead of always feeling angry like so many men are taught to do, I could actually see when I was really hurt, or afraid, or feeling helpless or overwhelmed. I used to hide all these emotional behind anger. When I realized that my anger just meant that one of my rules were being broken, I started to discover “rules” that said I wasn’t ever supposed to be afraid (even if I called it “stressed”), or overwhelmed (which I also called “stressed”). When I could admit to the real feeling behind the anger, the anger disappeared. Then I learned how to deal with the real emotion.
Application of Emotional Intelligence for Personal Growth
Application of emotional intelligence rule #7: Set better goals and plans
I used the Language of Emotions to start guiding my personal growth – though I didn’t start calling it the Language of Emotions for many years. I started to see where I needed to change rules (using my anger to help me rather than hurt me or others). I started to see where I needed to learn new skills to be ready for things (using fear) or reprioritizing to avoid overwhelm. I began to take action to understand and use hopelessness to help be set better goals and better plans.
Even admitting to being hurt started to help me learn new skills that dramatically improved my relationships. I found that most men sort of “armor up” and keep their emotional distance to avoid being hurt. Once I understood what was going on, I was able to develop new, more empowering coping mechanisms so I could take the kind of risks that really hurt most people and know I could some out the other side! I would have never guessed that I could USE hurt that way until the Language of Emotions was really coming together.
Application of emotional intelligence rule #8: Emotions of change
Of course, getting a total grasp on negative emotions (Emotions of Change) was just half of the quest. It was the easy half for me, but I’m strange that way. I work best in areas where things need to change. I love growth, and growth requires change. Not all change is growth, though, and that was the problem I had when I was young. I let life change me, and sometimes it changed me in ways that didn’t really work out so well. Once I took the helm, I liked who I was becoming.
Next time, I’ll talk about how I expanded from Emotions of Change into Emotions of Duplication, and the kind of Total Life Supercharge THAT brought about!
Emotional Intelligence Appraisal: A Success Story
Emotional Intelligence Appraisal: The Secret To Enthusiastic Passion
I WAS AN EMOTIONALLY FLAT ROBOT
UNTIL I DISCOVERED THE SECRET TO ENTHUSIASTIC PASSION
High Emotional Intelligence Appraisal Saved Me from a Boring Life!
In the late 1980s, I was an emotionally flat robot. In the early 80s, I was the clichéd “angry young man.” In 1983, my anger came under substantial control. I learned to accept that the world worked the way the world worked – and it really didn’t matter if I liked it. My anger diminished by perhaps 80%.
Here was MY problem: Anger was the only place I ever felt any real passion. If I was emotionally intense, that meant I was angry. I never not passionately excited. I was never enthusiastically happy. I hardly ever felt fear. I wasn’t so much positively confident as I was detached from outcomes.
I was a martial artist, so it was easy to mistake it for a sort of “Zen-thing.” That sounded good, but it really wasn’t true. I was just sort of detached.
Star Trek fans know who Spock is. That was my nickname. I was Spock, the emotionless Vulcan who spoke, chose, and lived by logic and logic alone. When I deviated, it was “fascinating.”
Looking back on all the foolish choices I made, I can certainly see that my logic was flawed beyond imagining – but that’s a story for another time. What was true is that I was cold and unfeeling – not in a “jerk” sort of way, but more of a “nothing really matters to me” sort of way. I was driven by a few basic drives, but it would be a mistake to say that I really FELT those drives.
Emotional Intelligence Appraisal Can Help You
Emotional Intelligence Appraisal: Tony Robbins to the Rescue
I met with the VP of Robbins Research about some ideas I had to share. I received a free seminar for my effort, and I followed that with a trip to Cancun for Tony Robbin’s Mastery University. That’s where I first learned Instant State Change. Specifically, I learned how to generate Passion.
As a martial artist, I had long studied emotions such as Anger and Fear. I had considered Confidence as a sense of power that a martial artist develops because, well, he HAS power. Where I learned otherwise was watching kids. They didn’t actually have any real power, but by MOVING like they did, they created a FEELING of power.
I remember one day China was in the news about some military maneuvers. Some of the kids had heard about it and were practicing to be ready to repel the Chinese military should they invade our country! Obviously their confidence in their power was not based in reality, but in the way they moved and the way they thought.
Emotional Intelligence Appraisal: The Children Shall Lead Me
Children experience emotion in it’s most pure state. By that, I mean that there are few internal variables at work in many kids. With adults, we have so much life (read: baggage) that sometimes you have no idea why someone feels something. Kids are much easier to read. The logic of their feelings is much easier to figure out.
I started to duplicate the wonder in their eyes, and I found myself filled with awe and wonder. I smiled and giggled for no reason, and I found myself getting happier. Even though I was much too high ranked to be teaching children (by common martial arts convention, master-level instructors do not normally teach young children), I enjoyed teaching them as I learned and developed my positive emotions by emulating the most passionately excited kids.
Then I brought it up to and adult level, and I found that I was suddenly a much nicer fellow. I was learning to love with power and passion. I was learning to FEEL confidence, to FEEL enthusiasm, to actually ENJOY life.
Sure… I kinda lost that “detached Zen-thing” I had going. Here’s the important discovery: I had been living life in black and white. Once I got the full range of emotions going for me, life had lit up to full color! My life had been flat and boring, and then it became immersive and exciting!
Emotional Intelligence Appraisal: Understanding Your Emotion
Emotional Intelligence Appraisal: Emotions of Change and Emotions of Duplication
As a martial arts instructor, I had been studying the Emotions of Change for years. In the early 90s, I started to understand Emotions of Duplication.
Now I experience a full range of emotions. I get passionate about all sorts of things. I know what the emotions MEAN, so I can sort of “let loose” here and there and just run with it!
Maybe this part is a guy thing, but I value self-control. I like to know that no matter what’s going on, I’ve still got some measure of control of myself. One of the early fears I had with really getting into emotions was having them take over my life. After all, a lot of emotional people I knew were dominated by their emotions!
That’s not what happened to me, and here’s why: I knew what the emotions meant. Because I could understand them, I could perceive the meaning whether or not I FELT anything, and then I could let the feeling show up or not based upon whether I WANTED to feel it. Or I could just take the message, act on it, and let the emotion be a background whisper.
I could unleash Excitement, turn loose Happiness, run wild with Love, radiate Confidence… all because I knew that I had the meaning and message clearly understood and under control. The “clinical” nature of The Language of Emotions let me REALLY experience the whole range of emotions!
Emotional Intelligence Appraisal is pretty amazing. For anyone who is doing the “emotionless robot” thing or the “numb” thing, come learn what I learned and do what I do. Anyone doing the “bitter human being” thing or the neurotic, the depressive, the overwhelmed, the anxious, the timid, or any other thing where you live too much in a negative emotion, come break out of all that and find a life really worth living.
Emotional intelligence appraisal is so worth it!
Emotional Intelligence Workshop: Why It Is Important
Emotional Intelligence Workshop: The Worst Case Of Depression The Doctor Had Ever Seen
AND THE PATIENT TRIUMPHS USING LANGUAGE OF EMOTIONS AND PURE POWER
(NOT MEDS!)
It was a Wednesday evening about ten years ago when I had the conversation. It started with a short lesson on the Language of Emotions (a key foundation for Emotional Intelligence Workshop). In the talk, I had mentioned Depression.
That got Dawn’s attention.
She had spent nearly her entire life feeling bad. In fact, feeling bad was normal for her. Her life was punctuated by happy moments here and there, but for the most part, “normal” was a nagging bad feeling.
In the days leading up to that talk, she had answered some questions to her physician that clued him in that she might have Clinical Depression. He gave her an assessment. She was the WORST case the doctor had EVER seen!
“How long have you felt this way?” he asked.
“My whole life,” she replied.
She had every single symptom for Depression save one: suicidal. She was not suicidal because this was “normal” for her. This is just what you lived with. Other than that, she was more depressed than the doctor thought was possible!
Emotional Intelligence Workshop To Overcome Depression
He recommended she see a psychiatrist and consider medication. She was nursing, and the doctor wanted her to see a specialist. (At the time, little was known about the impact of many medications on the child of a nursing mother.)
On that Wednesday afternoon, she was on the phone trying to get medication. Since she was nursing and was not suicidal, she was told that they would not give her anything. She would have to stop nursing to get the meds she so desperately wanted. She was not willing to stop nursing her child, so she hung up even more despondent that her depression would remain for several more months.
That was the night she first heard me teach on the Language of Emotions.
That was the night she got her first lesson as part of the emotional intelligence workshop.
Some people are not willing to try something new. She was. The first lesson was simple: Stand up straight. Roll your shoulders back. Look up more. Smile for no reason. Take deep breaths.
Two days later she was already feeling better than she had ever felt before.
So she kept learning. She learned to catch her thoughts and practice healthier self-talk.
Rather than saying to herself “I don’t want my children to see a crying, depressed, scared mother all the time!” (think about the only pictures that conjures in your mind), she learned to say what she DID want. “I want my children to see that mom is energetic, happy, and strong.” That conjures better pictures, and that gives her brain something positive to aim for.
Step by step she stacked skill upon skill. After a brief introduction to Language of Emotions and Instant State Change, she started to learn to deal with the underlying emotions.
Emotional Intelligence Workshop: Getting Rid Of Negative Emotions
Negative emotions are Emotions of Change. Things needed to change. Her previous years of therapy, ministry involvement and book reading had prepped to her to make more changes. She realized there were a lot of things in the past to let go of.
She learned that nothing in her past was a problem by learning The Definition of a Problem: Something with a Solution. Since there was no way to change the past, it was not a problem. It was a fact of life. That squared with what she had learned by noted authors Henry Cloud and John Townsend from their book The Mom Factor. “You can’t be reparented.”
But how do you let those things go? She learned that from Pure Power. I taught her a Five Step Forgiveness Technique that is simple and direct enough that once you really know it, you can do it by yourself.
In fact, a couple of her MFT friends thought that it was impossible. A client NEEDS professional guidance through that. At least that’s what they thought. Not Dawn. She learned the Pure Power techniques that let her do it herself.
Step by step, piece by piece, she got rid of all the crap that was poisoning her life. As she created her own freedom, she found happiness was easier and easier. The guilt faded away. The anxiety faded away. The worst case of depression a doctor had ever seen gave way to a Empowered, Strong, Capable, Human Being.
Dawn went on to earn Black Belts in three martial arts (talk about empowerment!). She returned to work and resumed her old career. She raises her children using principles and ideals (rather than fear of what her inlaws would think like she used to).
You can see Dawn talking just a little about her experiences in video. Learn the skills Dawn learned, and you can do what Dawn did. Chances are you aren’t “the worst case the doctor ever saw.” If Dawn can dig out from THAT pit to where she is today…. What can YOU do? You don’t have to wait until it gets this worst emotional intelligence workshop is something you can do.
Improve Emotional Intelligence And Avoid Destroying Your Life, Family And Career
Improve Emotional Intelligence For a Better Life
Why do we need to improve emotional intelligence? All trained people know that it is a slow, disease-inducing suicide to just stuff your emotions. Take anger and bury it, and it will eat away at you. Try to ignore fear, and you walk into all sorts of danger. Try to ignore hopelessness, and depression slowly metastasizes in your heart. Most of us know that it can cause ulcers, might trigger heart attacks or strokes, or could even make us more vulnerable to cancer. Basically, it wreaks havoc with our mental and physical health.
An Effective Technique To Improve Emotional Intelligence
So a LOT of people have learned a very powerful, very effective technique: Instant State Change. It’s known by a few names, including State Management, Emotional Control, and Emotional Mastery. Here’s a short lesson on how it works:
You come at your emotional state from two directions: Body and Mind
Improve emotional intelligence and do these simple exercise. Stand up. Lift your shoulders and roll them back so you can easily lift your chest for a deep, deep breath. Look upward, put a silly grin on your face, and with enthusiasm, say “yes!” (if you’re reading this at work, you can skip the “yes!”). Move and gesture like you’re happy and excited about something! That’s the Body side.
Improve emotional intelligence for your mind: Think of something that makes you happy or excited. Maybe it was a vacation. Maybe it was something … well, let’s just say “private.” Maybe it was winning a game. Maybe it was a sense of accomplishment. What would you be saying to yourself if you were excited, happy, and confident?
Sure, there’s more to it than that. If you just do that part, you will find that you’re 80 or 90% from whatever you were feeling before to feel pretty good!
Hundreds of thousands of people have been taught that technique. It’s powerful. It works! And it can destroy your Life, your Family and your Career.
How?
Because it turns off a warning light in your life. There is a system built into every single one of us to announce: Something MUST Change!
Instant State Change hides the announcement. Learning the technique is learning to put the light on hold, like covering it up with electrical tape. That can be a very useful and extremely important skill! When someone gets good at Instant State Change, it can be like ripping the light out and throwing it away! Then you have no idea when the message is being delivered because you’ve practiced ignoring it!
Improve Emotional Intelligence: How It Can Affect Your Life And Business
Think about it for a moment. Suppose there was a problem in your business, and only you could fix it. Someone sends you a notice and you toss it in the trash. Then they leave you a voice mail, and you delete it. You delete the email and text, too. When they call you, you hang up on them. All the time they’ve been trying to let you now that there is some little problem that is growing. You ignore them when it’s a medium sized problem. Then it becomes a big problem and totally blindsides you!
What are you SUPPOSED to do?
Take the note and set it aside to deal with it at an appropriate time. Save the voice mail. Keep the email. Have the conversation when you have a suitable opportunity to deal with the problem. Get to the problem while it’s still small. Solve it while it’s easy.
Big problems are often the result of little problems that were not handled while they were still little problems!
Instant State Change is an important skill. I teach it. I practice it. When I teach it, I announce again and again: DANGER!
You need to go back to the natural emotions and take a look. You NEED to take a look at the “Something MUST Change” messages and see what needs to change. Then you need to make those changes.
Learn Instant State Change in Language of Emotions 101a. It’s there, AND I explain how you can learn exactly what to do so it ALWAYS helps you! It will teach you the precise techniques so you do not end up another casualty of a magnificently executed, amazing skill that can get you blindsided by big problems.
If you already know Instant State Change, learn how to keep it from doing damage. If you’re lucky, nothing bad has happened, yet. (At least none that you know of – it would be a good idea to take a close look!)
Improve Emotional Intelligence to genius levels! THIS is one of those critical distinctions that separates those with high emotional intelligence from true genius. Be the genius!